I’m experiencing an emotional numbness, a frozen feeling to living. I don’t understand happiness anymore. I look at everyone around me and wonder what its like to feel love, what its like to be fulfilled, how people operate on more modes than auto-pilot. My smiles and laughter happen because its what I’m supposed to do. You’re supposed to express happiness when your friend opens a new chapter in their life, cracks a joke or invites you out for the night, right? I don’t want to be that person that brings down the moment. So, I don’t. I’ll play the part for everyone, if that’s what it takes. But inside I am anesthetized and unfeeling.
I feel almost colorblind. My emotions are shades of color and I currently have an inability to discern differences in them under normal conditions. Honestly, I’d love to rejoin the rest of the feeling world and just be. But, life right now is best lived with this emotional visor. My guard is up and while I don’t like the emotional anesthetic I’ve been given, it’s what I need to operate on anything even remotely close to auto-pilot.